Saturday, April 26, 2008

Left Behind



J left for Costa Rica and Panama On the fifteenth. The past two weeks have given me an even greater respect for single parents. It has been difficult to get much done on the sewing knitting front, as I am exhausted by the time Chloe is tucked in. And I think the past few days has been especially difficult for her as far as missing her daddy and perhaps feeling abandoned. I am doing everything I can to come up with extra fun and educational things to do along with showing her on the calender when daddy gets back. Her response : "Daddy Costa Rica with Poppo, bringing presents." Uh yeah, I hope I get a present too, he gets in the day before my birthday.

I really wish I could have gone, but three weeks away from my child is too much for me, and we sorta slacked on getting her passport in a timely fashion. Plus we are almost strapped for cash. I feel the boat dream slipping away, and am doing my best to not push the issue with J getting back to the corporate world, and not slip into a depression over the whole deal. But, the land in CR is now paid off, the house in Panama is rented to nice tenants, and that feels good.

I love how the neighborhood children play and seem so much happier in Panama than the local kids here in the US.

It's been too long...

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Perspectives

We took the C monster to the zoo a few days ago, and I must admit that it was not what I was expecting. I remember the few trips I made to the zoo as a child to be overflowing with fun, education, excitement, and joy.

Not so much. I was fighting back tears the entire day. How traumatic would that be for a toddler? Your first visit to the zoo and your mom constantly bawls her eyes out. Poor Chloe, her mother is often a bowl of mush.
This is Alice, a thirty-something year old elephant. I know that she is treated well, but she just looked so sad. Her handlers were making her do tricks for treats, and all the kids loved it. I couldn't get past the bored look in her eyes. I have a lot of respect for elephants, they are very intelligent with complex social structures and behaviours. That last picture pretty much sums up the vibe I got from the animals. I think future trips to the zoo will be reserved for the grandparents, or until I can turn off that throat lump mechanism.

The flamingos were by far my favorite. Their exhibit was pretty much cage free.

And of course the bean had a blast.

Thursday, April 10, 2008

Melty


I sorta got this idea from a recent Martha Stewart crafts for kids book. I say sorta because I actually made a very similar project as a kid with my Nan. We were pretty poor and recycling was a necessity, no crayon nubs were ever tossed.

I hate to admit that I used mostly new crayons, but I did. I just so happened to pick up a jumbo box of cheapo colors for a buck, and thought why not. Unfortunately the cheapo crayons were made with an inferior wax, and all the pigment sank to the bottom of the mold. The back side is much lighter, mostly wax, and really doesn't draw at all. The few that we made with Rose Art and Crayola worked beautifully. Oh, and the 'washable' crayons didn't set up right, they were kinda crumbly.

We still had loads of fun and frustration peeling the wrappers off, and later vacuuming up the little shards of paper and wax bits. And what smells better than melted crayons?

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

You know it's spring when...

... your two year old brushes against your leg and says "pokey owies"

I really hate the daily(ish) shaving rituals.

Friday, April 4, 2008

A toddler lives here




Yes we have matching ruby slippers. She likes my pair better.

Thursday, April 3, 2008

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

Missing you


It's been almost nine months since she left. The ground is thawed and we will be hiking to her favorite stream to scatter her ashes soon. My heart still aches for her cold nose in the palm of my hand, or the way she always smelled like corn chips while she was sleeping.

A spider has reclaimed the dog house, I suppose I should knock down the webs and clean out all her treasured items. Soon.

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

I am spacious expanding

It is so very hard to describe how it feels when tragedy is served on regular basis, over and over and over again. It's almost like you're just a shell, hollow and fragile. A thin crust masquerading as the person that you once were. I wish I could say that my will to live again, to be happy, to be a good mother is ultimately what won and filled in a bit of the emptiness. I wish. I honestly think fear deserves more credit than the testament of my spirit. Fear of losing more, fear of never living again, never being the person that I used to be, the person that I can be, want to be. Fear of who I had become. It's been an ugly pitiful journey. I am too tired to grieve any more. I am missing too much. I am a child of the universe and deserve serenity.

And in my struggle to become myself, I have become someone else.